watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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