what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
