I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
