i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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