They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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