I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
