you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
