I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
