FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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