you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
