At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
