The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
