I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
