I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You are the jesus of drinking
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
