either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
