There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
