Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
