Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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