Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
