yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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