How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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