I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
