Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
