he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You can't special order awesome
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
