I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
