Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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