listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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