So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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