i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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