I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
