I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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