I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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