Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Someone came in the potted fern
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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