when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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