theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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