im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
