I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
