I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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