I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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