I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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