She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
