Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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