Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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