Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
