You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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