so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
