12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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