Will you blow on my dice?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
