just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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