so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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