I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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