people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Randomize
