I want to have your abortion
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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