Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
