Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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