Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
