so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
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Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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