Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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