You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
