Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
